my Diaryland Diary

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the haze lifts.

Right now I just really feel like the last week was really supposed to happen. I was supposed to feel all these things in order to better learn about myself, and the people around me. TO really appreciate my friends and family, to appreciate the good things that i have in my life. TO re-evaluate where I prioritize me in my life. To understand that I need to open up, i need someone to help push me to open up to them. to find someone to whom that is important.
i deserve so much out of life. i want to give so much in life.
Tonight i feel free.
I feel free.
independant. open. aware. clear. appreciative.

in the "I saw you"'s in the paper the other day was this
(my name)
i miss you so much. i screwed up. not a moment goes by i don't think of you. please forgive me

i don't know if it was him or for me. i don't need to know. i agonized. i ran into him that night. he was with who i assume to be new girl (who I am much prettier than. I don't say that often, it's not fair, i can't help the way I look any more than they can. but i am.) and he gave me this look. this i need to talk to you weird arm thing look.
but i realized that even if this was him, even if he did say the things that i want so badly to hear him say, to feel the things i want so badly for him to feel, it changes nothing. i will never trust him again. i see him for what he is now. when this whole shishkibibible went down, the thought of never seeing him again was too much to bear. but now, the thought of having to be his friend is not a happy one. he doesn't value me. he doesn't know me. he never cared. or i should say, he never cared enough.
he made his bed, i hope she keeps him warm..

but

even if that was for me, written by him, it changes nothing. if it wasn't for me, wasn't written by him, it still was there for me.. because i got to ( in a semi-realistic way) evaluate this situation in which he came crawling back. and i got to find out what my answer would be. and to know that i have enough pride, enough dignity, enough self respect to keep him at a distance is reassuring.

this will be hard.

to be alone, to sleep alone, to not smile and kiss someone good night, that will be hard.

but i did it before. i can do it again.

and next time, it will be with someone who smiles back, who kisses back and most importantly, who means it. to mean what your actions say is everything.

2:44 a.m. - 2006-11-12

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