my Diaryland Diary

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hate you.

in the enveloping darkness of the night
the all consuming emptyness, lonliness
i call for you
in the yearning, smacking moaning of the night
in the sweat induced delirum
i hope for you

all fucking day i think of you
and that's the problem. it's always about fucking you. it's always been about you. i should be thinking of me. not about you. and her. and how i hate you both. and how i wish i'd never met you. i wish i'd never felt for you. i wish i didn't feel for you. i wish i could walk up my street without looking for you. hoping that i can see you. hoping i can see the sadness i know you don't feel. hoping i can punch you in your smug face. hoping i can find the fortitude to move past this. hoping that i can move past this as quickly as i can.
god. i just wish you weren't always here.
i wish that this room that i live in wasn't tainted by you.
it was mine for only 10 days before you walked into my life.
i wish nothing had changed. i wish you were still here. i wish i didn't feel this way. i wish she wasn't in the picture. i wish we were still us. i wish i didn't have to be naked around anybody else. you were fine. you weren't great. but you were fine. i wish i'd been the one to walk away. there were so many times when i wanted to. i should have just done it. i wish i'd had the courage to tell you what i was feeling when i was feeling it. i wish i wasn't such a typical fucking girl.
i wish there was something about me that wasn't so mundane. i hate the way i feel like a 14 year old girl. what is it about her that makes her so goddamn special in your eyes?
i hate not getting things right the first time.
i'll never get involved with someone who lives so close to me again.
i hate that we share the same neighborhood. i hate that you still have my bike. i hate that you still have a piece of my heart.

i want to be mine again.

6:48 p.m. - 2006-11-20

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