my Diaryland Diary

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terrible lie

so down when i should be so up
i've been off those things for two months almost
progressing somehow, although instead of forward i suppose it's sideways.
i'm glad i'm feeling my own feelings
but yet in so many ways going through life on a controlled substance was so much..easier.
i have no one to pour my heart out to and so much to say. all my friends are either too new or too old and i don't want anybody to ask how i am or look at my wrists or look at the pills i take.
and they pester me. no one who reads this does that is, but the other ones need things. they need my time or my energy or my emotions. yet in the relationships that i have where i am not needed there is no substance. maybe is that what friendship is? needing?

i hope not. the emotional toll it takes is too much.
i want the closeness with none of the baggage.
is that possible?

i just feel this profound sadness or sorrow or grief and it follows me like my shadow. sometimes forgotten but always there.

i wear a cross around my neck that i found in grade eight and i wear it because it's got a sparkly thing in the middle and i doubt that lends me any cred with god but i hope that maybe when i die i can use it as a bargaining chip.

i can't shake it.
but maybe i can change it.
maybe this is how i'm supposed to feel at this time.
isn't that what your twenties are all about?
unsurity? (ironic note: i'm unsure if that's a real word)
insecurity?

i feel unfit to love or be loved.
the thought of somebody touching my core and coming away putrid is too much.
this drama spewing from my fingertips is too much.
i am everything i hate.

i am a moderately average person

12:10 a.m. - 2006-04-10

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