my Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I won't take no from you this time Aah. Christmas day. What can I say about Christmas day except that I don't give a fuck about Christmas. It's just another day. Another day where I get drunk at noon and then talk to my family over the phone and cry. Oh how I cried. My whole family was super bummed that I wasn't there. It kind of left me feeling like I ruined Christmas. As soon as my mom got on the phone I burst into tears. And then I tried to eat delicious turkey dinner but couldn't because my stomach is a sonnofabitch so I took a cab home and crawled into bed about four hours ago. Haven't moved since. I'm just feeling super lonely. And I don't really know about living in Vancouver anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care about bills and careers and houses and mortages and all the ninety things I need to do in order to be a complete functioning member of the militia we call society. I just don't see why I should care. These aren't my values. These were values imposed on me by marketing think tanks and advertizing agencies. Agenceis? Hmm. i before e except after c. Except in agencies. I just don't really want to give a shit. It would have been so much easier if I didn't have brothers and sisters. I went to a specialist the other day who told me that I am making myself sick. Through negative thought patterns I am impacting my bodily functions and basically I now have a stomach something and chronic fatigue. He told me I need inspiration. Well just what the fuck do I have to feel inspired about? Maybe it's all the concrete I should embrace. Or the air pollution. Or the melting of the polar ice caps. Or my fabulous fucking job which forces women to further perpetuate gender paradigms I no longer feel to be valid. It's tricky because they aren't valid but they're useful. I just don't know anymore. And I think that's the major issue for me right now. Being dumped shook my entire world view. It's not that I was dumped. He was just a body. It was what he represented and my reactions to that. It made me realize how everything I thought I knew about myself to be untrue. How I'm sort of disappointed with myself for being just like every other girl. For falling for the same fucking traps. For not learning from the mistakes of others around me and most importantly from experiences in my past. I shouldn't even say that I was dumped. He was never my boyfriend. I thought he was, but he didn't think he was so obviously that makes him not my boyfriend. And therefore not my ex-boyfriend. Ok. So things I learned: The voice in my head is a shrink. 11:53 p.m. - 2006-12-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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